To the 83 people that have asked me "John, WTF, did you give up? What the hell is wrong with you, do you have AIDS? A tapeworm? Are you sick? Are you dying? You need to update your blog so we can keep track of you and your never ending efforts to get your girlfriend back," I say, you're in luck because a lot has happened in the past 13 days.
I tried cooking for the first time. The most complicated thing I've made in the past two years is a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. Two weeks ago, I tried to make a maple-glazed salmon. Unfortunately, you're going to have to wait a few days to read about how I charred an expensive glass dish, almost set the oven on fire and forgot to include a side dish with the meal. But it will be worth the wait.
Today, I'm keeping things simple. It's December 1, which means Christmas, Christmas lists, Christmas presents, Christmas trees, Christmas everything. Think about it, everything is better with the word Christmas in it.
That homeless guy that just stole the hubcap off your car and tried to set you on fire, if he was drunk on egg nog and wearing a fun Christmas sweater, then who cares.
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| On December 1, 2009, John had a Christmas tree, a stocking filled chimney and an incredibly hot girlfriend... |
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| This picture, taken on December 1, 2010, shows how helpless John is without his girlfriend. Instead of a Christmas tree and stockings, John now has a trampoline, three blankets and uneven blinds. He really needs his girlfriend back. |
Anyway, while watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last night, I made a Christmas list:
Dear Santa,
I would like two things for Christmas:
1. I want my girlfriend back.
2. If I can't have my girlfriend back, then I would like a vegetarian Panda Bear cub who is potty trained, not from China and likes to watch Sponge Bob Squarepants.
That's it,
Love,
John
P.S. Santa, number two is a lie, I know panda's are an endangered species and I could get thrown in jail for owning one and you could be sentenced to 45 years in the slammer for delivering one. Which would mean 45 years of no Christmas, which would shoot Arbor Day into the Holiday top 10 and we obviously can't have that. So let me make this simple Santa, all I want for Christmas... how about I just cue up Mariah Carey (and of course, you'll have to insert "my girlfriend back" for "you" to have this song make sense in the context of this post):
